Sweet Employment, & Other News

It's been awhile since I've posted anything, and Will Baird asked me if I'd gotten a job yet, so I realized that few of you out there in readerland might know if I'm back on my feet or not. So this post will be a general update post on things that have going on in Zach World.

1. I got a job: I'm back to my legal assistant roots, this time at a trust and estate firm. This is a whole new skill set, and virtually none of my previous experience (contract law, risk management, etc.) carries over to here. My employer says it takes about a year for new people before the whole thing "clicks," and I believe it. I thought I'd be taking a significant pay cut, but I got my W-2 from my previous job and found out that--hey, look--they chopped my pay by about 8K without telling me. So that was great. So it's not the pay cut I thought it was! I really enjoy the people, and I have my own office and parking space. Unfortunately, I am really tied to an 8-hour day, and that wasn't the case at my previous two jobs. But I've been there for about a week and a half now, and I like it.

2. Gecko Death Watch: I'm down to one lizard (Solid) and she's obvious got some kind of infection. It started about two or three weeks ago. She's not eating, but bizarrely, she's just as active and is otherwise acting completely normal. Aside from the loss of appetite, I know she's sick because she's pooping out white blobs of...gross. And it requires effort to do so--I've watched her push one out, and it looks taxing. I took her to the vet, they did some Xrays to see if she had impacted eggs, but she didn't, so they gave her an enema and some antibiotics. I think she needs another enema, and it's clear that didn't solve the problem. Unfortunately, it's not really worth the cost to take her back there ($220? The lizard cost $20!) so if the problem doesn't go away on its own and she starts spiraling, I'll be down to NO lizards. It's so strange that all of my geckos have become infected with different things in this last year.



3. Dark Void Zero:This is the first DSiWare game I've bought voluntarily. It's really, really good, and from what I've read, better than the PS3/360 game. This is hilarious because Dark Void Zero is essentially an 8-bit NES game with chiptunes that was developed at Capcom as a joke while the main team was working on the PS3/360 game. It's fantastic, and brings to mind games like Bionic Commando, but replace the bionic arm with a bitchin' jetpack. It's very short, but it's also only $5, and there are three difficulties to conquer. If you have a DSi, I can't recommend this highly enough. So far, it's DSiWare's one killer app.

4. Spider-Man: Reign: You can also call this The Web-Slinger Returns, as it's essentially a Spider-Man version of The Dark Knight Returns. Even the art style is similar. It's not as long or fleshed out, but it's still fun. I got it at Barnes & Nobel on sale for like $6, which is about right. There's a lot of sobbing over MJ's death, and Doc Oc's appearance isn't explained very well, but it's an interesting departure from the usual Spider-Man silliness. I would really like to see one of these "far in the future" superhero books illustrated by somebody whose art I like, though.

5. I still haven't seen Avatar: I didn't have a job for awhile, so money was tight. I'm not real interested in blowing like $16 on the 3D version, but everybody tells me that's the way to see it, so...yeah. Just to be clear: I don't give two craps about the storyline or even the blue cat people, I'm only in this for the xenobiology and plant life. I will see it in theaters, and I will enjoy it, but it's taken much longer than I thought it would.

6. Paleontology is Awesome: I know I've been remiss in posting about two very awesome stories, and it might be awhile until I really get around to it, so I urge you to read David Hone's rundown of the new basal alvarezsauroid, Haplocheirus sollers. I've been working on draft drawing. Someday I'll post it here. For the other big news, Ed Yong has you covered as to the colorful story about Anchiornis. I've encouraged Scott and Raven to join me in producing a trio of Anchiornis drawings to show off the colors.

7. Tatsunoko vs. Capcom is Also Awesome: If you liked Smash Bros., this is the next-best thing. Leave your friend code in the comments. We'll rock it. My friend code is 3867-9477-7677. I am an expert with Morrigan and Frank West. I haven't messed with the Tatsunoko characters much, but that's because I'm trying to unlock Zero first. My strategy with fighting games has generally been this: Favor the female character with the largest breasts or most revealing outfit, then practice enough to get very, very skilled with her. Thus, I am deadly with Ivy in Soul Calibur IV. Well, probably not anymore, because I haven't touched that game in like six months.

I also got Excitebots for a song. It's a great online game. If you have it, leave your friend code and add me: 2837-1198-4749.

And for you PS3 fans, my PSN name is Sillysaur and I play a lot of Little Big Planet and Modern Warfare 2.

Spooky Halloween Movies!

Thinking about having a Halloween movie night? Who isn’t? Here are ten of my favorite Halloween movies, in no particular order. Get to the video store early, ‘cause a lot of these will have disappeared by then. Or, if you’re like me, you subscribe to NetFlix, thus contributing to the much-anticipated decline of brick-and-mortar video stores that charge late fees and only let you have new releases for 24 hours. This is a veiled “screw you” toward Blockbuster, if you haven’t figure that out already. Anyway, on to the movies!


The Thing (1982)
I differentiate this from the B&W original, The Thing From Outer Space, because they are completely different movies. Both are excellent, but for different reasons. John Carpenter’s excellent 1982 ode to cabin fever stars Kurt Russell and Kurt Russell’s Beard as well as various other actors who I don’t remember the names of. The film concerns a crew of researches in Antarctica who discover and are hunted by an alien that can imitate biological entities perfectly. Before long, nobody trusts anybody else, and Kurt starts taking a flamethrower to blood samples. The oppressive, muted musical score and claustrophobic hallways really bring out the spookiness of the film. It doesn’t hurt that the special effects—which are entirely practical—hold up very well even today. It is without a doubt my favorite horror movie.


The Ring (American version)
I went through a bit of a J-horror kick a few years ago, renting every Japanese horror movies I could get my hands on. In this manner, I subjected myself to the original versions of Ringu (The Ring), Ju-On (The Grudge), Pulse, and The Eye. Let it be known that, in all cases, the Japanese originals have low budgets, terrible pacing, and WAY too much emphasis on human sacrifice and technophobia. In almost all cases, the American versions of these films are far more effective, especially The Ring. It is truly disturbing in many, many ways. Watch this one with the sound up and the lights out, with a room full of friends who jump at the “it’s just the cat” scene in Aliens. There is no better way.


Frailty
After a successful career as a space marine but before his current stint as a Mormon polygamist, Bill Paxton was an axe-murderer, killing sinners in the name of the lord. His religious zeal and unwavering conviction is what makes the movie so good, and Bill is an underrated actor. The film also examines how his beliefs impact his two children, one of whom took on his father’s mantle and continued slaying “demons.” It’s not a big-budget, eye-candy movie, but it’s subtle and effective.


Event Horizon
This is one of few horror movies that kind of screwed me up as a youngster. I saw it way too young, and had nightmares for several days afterwards. I only recently re-watched the movie, and it’s still very effective. It’s kind of like The Amnityville Horror in space, but more fucked up. It’s got lots of disturbing imagery and good pacing, with some very claustrophobic sequences and a very tense atmosphere. The best scares happen midway through the movie, as they start to lose their effectiveness during the action-packed finale. Still, it’s a helluva ride that’s well worth time in your DVD player.

(Good picture apparently not available on Google)
Cabin Fever
This is a good horror movie in that it starts out with a very familiar premise (a bunch of teenagers get drunk in a backwoods cabin) but quickly turns into something disturbing and different. No slashers here, just a flesh-eating virus that begins to infect the kids one by one. The grisly makeup effects might not go over well with the feint of heart or queasy of stomach, but the story progression is great and you really do feel sorry for the characters. This is one of the more gore-tastic movies on my list, but you’ve gotta have one blood ‘n’ guts movie on a Halloween series, right?


The Mist
Adapted from an old Stephen King novel, The Mist is about a group of small-town citizens trapped in a grocery store as a terrifying fog covers the town. Anyone who goes outside tends to be killed by some otherworldly creature. Like The Thing, this movie is more about cabin fever than the monsters themselves. When they do show up, though, the creature effects are wonderful and convincing. Things go from bad to worse when the local religious crazy lady starts preaching Armageddon and turning the pious against the rational. The ending is particularly tragic, and changed from the novel. Mr. King liked it so much that he’s changed the ending to all new editions of the book. Two of the monsters in particular have very Lovecraftian designs, which makes me happy.


Jacob’s Ladder
This movie is largely responsible for inspiring the usually-excellent Silent Hill series of video games. Tim Robbins’ life starts falling apart when he discovers that his girlfriend is a demon, and he may or may not have been the subject of bizarre military experiments in Vietnam. The movie’s pacing is its worst quality—it’s too long, and parts of it are too slow or entirely unnecessary. But the core concept is great, and the ending is a surprise. Some of the “demonic” features that Tim sees are pretty freaky; “wrong” in just such a way as to make you gag a little. The hospital scene in particular is bizarre and disturbing.


Freddy vs. Jason
This is a good old-fashioned slasher movie: over-the-top (but silly) violence, comical villains, gratuitous nudity, and a bunch of teenagers. I forget how the two end up fighting each-other, but does it really matter? All you really need to know is that Freddy turns into a pot-smoking caterpillar at one point and possesses the group’s stoner friend. Also, there’s lots of blood and people are slashed in ridiculous ways. Have you ever seen a Friday the 13th movie? How about a Nightmare on Elm Street entry? Do you like either one? If your answer is a rousing “Sort of!” then you’ll probably like Freddy vs. Jason.


Silent Hill
You may think that a movie based on a video game is an instant FAIL (and I wouldn’t blame you), but this particular film is pretty good, even if you haven’t played the games it’s based so heavily on. The movie takes its inspiration mainly from the original game and makes some bizarre and unexplainable changes to it, but also includes significant winks to Silent Hill 2. The movie reaches a good balance between being gory and disturbing. It’s all the more disturbing when you realize that the vast majority of creatures in the film are played by heavily made-up actors. Real people, that is. I want that Pyramid Head costume!


Dead Alive
One of Peter Jackson’s early efforts, Dead Alive is perhaps the goriest film ever made. Remember how gruesome the first two Evil Dead movies were? Dead Alive makes them look like Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. Truly, this is not a movie for the weak of gag reflex. Despite this, the movie is hilarious and the gore is mostly over-the-top and comical. The ending is particularly…um…disturbing in a certain way. Because of its goretastic spectacles, the film was banned in several countries and cut significantly for its initial American release. It’s not hard to find the director’s cut nowadays. If you have NetFlix, it’s easily available.


Honorable Mentions
Coraline: I wouldn’t call this a “Halloween” movie, but it’s excellent nonetheless, and sometimes spooky.
Elvira: Mistress of the Dark: Elvira and her gigantic breasts star in what’s basically a series of running jokes and nods to old horror films.
Young Frankenstein: Possibly Mel Brooks’ funniest movie.
Drag Me to Hell: Sam Raimi is so much better at making campy horror movies than he is at directing super-hero movies.
Slither: Kind of a cross between The Faculty and a zombie movie. It has that Firefly dude and the girl from Zack and Miri Make a Porno.
The Faculty: Lots of now-big stars made their debut in this contrived, but entertaining, horror movie.
Phantoms: Entertaining because it’s so terrible.

He's Also Full of Turtle Meat

Since Godzilla vs. Gamera will never be made (seriously, Toho shot that idea down years ago), fans of daikaiju cinema will have to make due with the piecemeal bones thrown to fans every five years or so. Godzilla's in retirement until his 60th anniversary, but I'm happy to report that Gamera the Brave has finally made it to our shores. It is the first (and perhaps only) Millenium entry in the Gamera franchise. It's going to be tough to upstage the "Guardian of the Universe" trilogy (which is awesome), but I'm going to run right out and buy this...or order it online...whichever way gets me it quicker.

Transformers 2 Deconstructed

This is the funniest thing I've read in a looooong time. Don't read it if you haven't seen the movie (or plan to). Hat-tip to Trish for bringing it to my attention.

Point and Laugh

That's a painting in the background. It's not even a CG dinosaur. Having a photograph (the people on their boat) composited onto a painting is jarring and looks silly. That tyrannosaur looks a little fat, too, although I kind of like the cranial ornamentation. However, this is a Will Ferrell movie, and my tolerance for that actor is extremely low, lower even than Ben Stiller. Ferrell has been in exactly two movies where I liked his character: Night at the Roxbury and Stranger Than Fiction. I can't help but think that this movie will be nothing at all like the told TV show, which was insufferably corny. Some great stop-motion work, but damn.

This movie also looks suspiciously like this year's Journey to the Center of the Earth, starring Brendan Frasier. That movie also had a poorly-done tyrannosaur. Why does it always have to be a tyrannosaur?

R.I.P. J.P.4

No freaking way! I was totally looking forward to Jurassic Park 4: Dinosaurmaggedon. Thanks to Julia for pointing this out, though my day is now ruined.

10,000 BLECH

10,000 B.C. comes out today. I refuse to see it in theaters, although Brian is considering it. Apart from my distain from Roland Emmerich, who gave us such memorable flops as Independance Day, GINO (Godzilla in Name Only), and The Day After Tomorrow, this new epic adventure looks like a mish-mash of paleontological, historical, and archaeological inaccuracy. These are exactly the kinds of movies I hate, because they butcher paleontological accuracy when it would be so easy to do it right.

I saw a preview for the film at Jurassic Park on Wednesday, and here's what I learned:

1) Saber-tooth tigers are bigger than lions. In fact, saber-tooth cats were smaller than tigers. And rather than being built like tigers, their anatomy brings to mind bobcats and lynxes.

2) Mammoths helped build the pyramids. Excuse me while I throw up.

3) Phorusrhacids (terror birds) were eating people. In reality, they went extinct about two million years ago, loooong before we were hunting mammoths.

4) Big Persian-style sailboats had been invented 12,000 years ago.

5) Cavemen had dreadlocks and spoke modern English.

6) Mammoths...helped...build...the pyramids.

10,000 B.C. is the snake to my mongoose. Or the mongoose to my snake...either way, it's bad.

Jurassic Park on the Big Screen

One of the mall movie theaters here in Anchorage (okay, there's only one mall movie theater) plays an older movie once a week, on Wednesday nights. Usually these are not old movies, but maybe movies you missed when they first came out. Things like Reservoir Dogs, A Clockwork Orange, Christmas Vacation, etc. Well, tomorrow they're playing Jurassic Park, which is my favorite movie. Can you believe I was just 10 years old when I first saw Jurassic Park? I wasn't even aware of its existence, but my aunt came into town to take me to a screening. I remember being blown away, but I was scared of the Dilophosaurus and raptors in the kitchen. I saw the movie in theaters again the same year, but that time while visiting relatives in Wisconson.

Tomorrow, after fifteen years, Jurassic Park is stomping back into theaters, and I will be able to fully appreciate it. In a way, I'll be seeing my favorite movie on the big screen for the first time. A few friends are coming along, so it should promise to be a good time!

Spoilerific Review of "Cloverfield"

J. J. Abrams is known for several things. Most famously for Lost, I suppose, an ABC show whose season breaks are so long viewers wonder if it's been cancelled. He also botched Mission Impossible 3 and he's rebooting the Star Trek franchise later this year. But most recently he's produced Cloverfield, a movie known best for its viral marketing campaign. Viral movies have, in the past, succeeded (Blair Witch) and failed (Snakes on a Plane). I have a feeling that Cloverfield will undoubtedly succeed, but that doesn't mean it's good.

I should mention right off the bat that this review is packed to the brim with spoilers. If you haven't seen Cloverfield and don't want anything spoiled for you, don't read any further. However, you should also know that the film's synopsis could be written in about a paragraph, there are no plot twists, and you rarely see the monster that is terrorizing Manhatten Island(which I have named "Das Beastie").

Cloverfield is, admittedly, unique for a number of reasons--one might even say innovative. While most monster movies focus on the monster itself (Godzilla series, Godzilla 1998, King Kong, The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms, I could go on...), Cloverfield tells the story from a bystander's perspective. The only other monster movie that's attempted this viewpoint that I've seen is Gamera: Revenge of Iris, in which a ten-minute sequence depicts Gamera's reckless attack on a Gyaos "bird," destroying half of Tokyo's Shibyua district in the process. Cloverfield is also filmed via hand-held camcorder like The Blair Witch Project, which gives a real sense of scale to the destruction as well as a "you're right there with them" feeling to the movie. The monster itself is fairly unique, and while obviously inspired from several beasties in the past, looks nothing like your standard reptilian behemoth.

The plot is nothing special. The first twenty minutes of the film introduce the five major characters at a party, and one of the characters (nicknamed Hud, surely a reference to Heads-Up-Display) is interviewing people with the camera. An earthquake (or something) momentarily shakes up the party (HA!) and a local news story reports on a barge being overturned in the bay. Everybody runs to the roof because they want to see the overturned ship, only to see a building explode on the skyline. Everybody runs downstairs and then, for reasons unknown, into the streets, where Hud briefly catches a glimpse of a giant vertebrate passing behind a building. Stomps are heard. People scream. The camera shakes madly as Hud runs around.

That's where the trouble starts, at least for me. I imagine this sort of movie would not be difficult to watch on a small TV screen, but in the theater, the constant shaking and motion of the camera may leave you feeling dizzy or at least lightheaded. I ended up with a migrane headache and a feeling of imbalance that lasted until the next morning. None of my friends experienced this motion sickness, though, so it might just be me. If you get motion sick, though, avoid Cloverfield, at least in the theater.

Rob, one of the main characters, decides to find his way to midtown to save his ex-girlfriend, Beth. As his friends warn him, Rob would be crossing the path of Das Beastie, but for reasons I can't quite understand, he cares not. For reasons that make less sense, his idiot friends decide to go with him. Hud feels a duty to film the entire event, even stuff that doesn't make any sense to film, like a pitch-black subway tunnel or running up several dozen flights of stairs. What Hud does a terrible job of filming is Das Beastie itself, who shows up several times (it appears to be following out heroes), but Hud always manages to look at his friends instead of the monster. There are some close-ups, but I would have preferred full-body shots. As it turns out, Das Beastie is hardly in the movie, and when you see it, you just get glimpses. There was a scene late in the going where Hud and his friends are trying to cross a collapsed building, and the monster is coming right for them, in plain view to the left. Hud glances at it, then insists on making sure his friend Lilly's butt is still safe. DUDE! LOOK TO THE LEFT! YOU IDIOT!

Innovative though the camerawork may be, Cloverfield never rises above the standard genre scares. Das Beastie shakes off spider-like parasites which immediately attack innocent bystanders. This is a kind of cool biological trait, but it amounts to a "surprise" encounter with the spiders in that pitch-black subway tunnel, which I could see a mile away. "Hey, a pitch-black subway tunnel. We'll be safe there, right? Oh, it's so dark. Here, turn on the camera's night-vision (because cheap handheld cameras have night-vision). OMG! Spiders! Run!" And of course, the spiders did not attack at any time before they were seen. It would be in bad taste to attack prey that doesn't know you're there. If the spiders bite you, you eventually explode.

Then there's the "monster attacks, to nobody's surprise, the helicopter that Hud and his camera are on," the "everybody survives expect the pilots only to have one more encounter with the monster" scene, and the typical soap opera subplot crap that tires a movie like this out. Why would you film that, Hud? That's the other problem. At a certain point, I would just drop the camera and run--perhaps when Das Beastie is standing right over me, considering its next meal, or when the spider things are attacking the ugly girl. No, I'm just gonna film it. I'll let the cute girl help.

If you've had any interest, you've probably looked for pictures of Das Beastie on the Interweb. You'll usually come across concept art, like the big whale thing with lots of flippers. But the second I got home from Cloverfield, I sat down to draw its insidious form. What you are about to see may shock you, and I have been told from several people who saw the movie that it's essentially accurate. There may be an extra elbow joint in the arms, and the face might be a bit flatter, but...Behold! Das Beastie!

Terrifying, no? Those little paddle-arms bring to mind the Alien Queen. Actually, the whole animal seems like more of a bunch of concepts than a finalized build. Also, the hindlimbs are never really seen--I'm just guessing as to their form. There definately are hindlimbs, and they're a lot shorter than the forelimbs, but...yeah. Anyway, now let's talk about Das Beastie, and the other movie monsters it obviously takes inspiration from.

First off, the head is straight from the creatures in Gears of War. This is especially obvious near the end when it's being bombed, and also when it's staring Hud in the face. It is unique in having soft-tissue inflatable sacs around its temples, which indicates when it inhales and exhales. That's kind of cool. The teeth, tongue, and eyes all scream Gears, though. The tiny mitted vestigal arms smack of the Alien Queen, and the monster's overall arm-centric form may be a nod to King Kong, although that's just a guess. The creature is not textured well, and it seems to have an entirely smooth, perhaps moist skin. Assuming it came from the ocean, it may be originally amphibious. Aside from its sheer size, Das Beastie doesn't look especially threatening, and one wonders how much time Abrams et al. spent on the design. The spider-creatures look more threatening, but definately familiar. There are pieces of the insects from Starship Troopers there, the Splinter bugs from Metroid Prime 2, and the Chimerae from Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles. They have a decidedly leggy appearance and a high-rising head, which is kind of cool, but we've seen it before.

But what really irritated me about Cloverfield is exactly what makes it unique. There are no scientists or army generals explaining things away. Nobody knows the monster's motivations. Hud muses to himself as to Das Beastie's origins, but that's all we get. If you stay past the credits, you find out that, like Godzilla (not GINO), Das Beastie is impervious to all weaponry. Did it come from space? The ocean? Some island in the Pacific where a tribe worshiped it as a God and fed it a virgin sacrifice every year until one time they forgot and Das Beastie went on a rampage? Why attack New York? Was it a government-created biological weapon gone awry like in the short-lived TV show Surface? We get nothing, and that really frustrated me. I can only hope that the DVD will include more information about Das Beastie (including a name for it). The director has mentioned in interviews that a sequel may be on the way, and may come in one of two forms (if at all): Another movie shot by somebody else the same night, or an entirely new movie exploring the monster's origins and motivations. Guess which one I'm hoping for?!

Now, two of my friends are absolutely gung-ho about Cloverfield. They loved it, and really felt like they were a part of the action. They did not get motion sickness, and felt that the entire experience was very intense. They are not, however, big monster-movie fans. Thus, they are immune from references to previous kaiju films and genre-specific cliches.

So you may actually enjoy Cloverfield. You might like it a lot, but I couldn't stand it. Aside from the interesting perspective switch, Cloverfield fails to be original in any meaningful way, and may in fact give you motion sickness. Take this monster flick with a grain of salt, and maybe wait for the DVD.

P.S. For both this post and the spinosaur one, I cannot click on my pictures. They will not open in a separate window. Are the pictures too big, or is this a Blogger problem?

Jurassic Park 4: Dinosaurmaggedon

As some of you may well be aware, Jurassic Park IV: Dinosaurmaggedon is fast approaching. From what I've read on the interweb, the film is, at the very least, in pre-production. I've read at least three "insider"treatments of the screenplay, most of which involve the dinosaurs getting off the island(s). Raptors in central park? Pterosaurs torturing little-leaguers? The possibilities are endless. I'm sure my readers are well aware of this, but the Jurassic Park series just gets a little worse with each passing sequel. The first film blew my mind like no other had. The second film was...well...it was there. The third film made me laugh.* But now that the rumor mill has started back up for Jurassic Park 4, I fear that When Raptors Attack may not be that far off. What would I like to see in JP4? And more importantly, what would I be adverse to?

1) Don't hire Jack Horner as your consultant. There are many strikes against using Mr. Duckbill, including the awful JP3 DVD interview in which he lies to us by making mention of reasonably complete Spinosaurus remains (which he calls a "superpredator"), and then remarking how he basically stood by and did nothing while the animators showed him a clip of the bulky giant running faster than it probably could in real life. Also, did anyone see those chiropterosaurs?** I was mortified, but maybe flying reptiles aren't Horner's field...

2) Jurassic Park was good partially because, at the time, it successfully blended current scientific knowledge with monster movie fare. Yeah, Deinonychus might not have hunted in packs, but if you strip the feathers off (and snarling lips), that's basically what it looked like. The Lost World used basically the same dinosaurs, but added an interesting hunting method for the dromaeosaurs and parenting techniques for the tyrannosaurs. I do not object to any of this. In fact, The Lost World may be the best attempt at scientific accuracy in the series. But by the time JP3 comes along, it's clear that the effects team was shooting from the hip, making the dinosaurs more movie monster than living, breathing animal. Let's get back to the basics. Dinosaurs were living animals, and they were awesome. In fact, they were awesome without any Hollywood flair. Keep that in mind, movie-people.

3) A larger focus on herbivorous dinosaurs would be appreciated. Again, The Lost World leads the way here, showing what happens when you mess with a cow Stegosaurus. I dispute the idea of parental care by a thyreophoran (no evidence for it), but the scene in question demonstrates that it isn't just the theropods that were dangerous. There was a scene in the second book where a dude is stuck in a jeep that's surrounded by pachycephalosaurs. I would like to see that scene. I'd also like to see a large ornithopod get attacked by a single large carnivore or a group of small ones. That would utterly kick ass.

4) Please, please, please give us some new dinosaurs. If you have to keep the raptors, at least give them feathers. The technology must be there by now. While it's true that feathers are much more difficult to render and animate than mammalian hair, I'm sure you've got the money. Anyway, oviraptoroids might have been mean buggers, troodontids too. Or what about a roving gang of Coelophysis? Those guys fight dirty.

5) It doesn't have to be a humans vs. dinosaurs story. I've always thought it would be cool to make a movie about humans documenting life on the islands, Planet Earth-style. The humans could have adventures in getting the awesome shots or whatever. All people are seeing the JP films for are the dinosaurs, not the intricate plotline or Oscar-winning script!

6) My brain is not tricked by CGI. I know it's not real. However, I can easily discern when something is a model, and I appreciate the effort required by modelwork a lot more than I appreciate a polygonal image. The original Jurassic Park used mostly modelwork, to wonderful effect. The new Star Wars trilogy made me gag from GCI overexposure. I'd like to see some more modelwork, and less CGI.

7) The original cast does not have to be involved. No, really, Sam Neil and Jeff Goldblume can have the day off for this one--new characters are desperately needed to move the franchise forward.

8) Dennis Nedry's shaving cream can had a 36-hour expiration date. Here's the proof. The DNA is not viable anymore. Do not retrieve the can.

9) No hybrid dinosaurs or genetically engineered raptors. Dinosaurs would make awful military weapons, as they are made of flesh and bone. Please do not turn Jurassic Park into Aliens.

10) I swear to Bokonan, if I see one pterosaur flying like a bat and picking people up off the ground, I will firebomb Universal Studios.

How about you, readers? What would you like to see, or not see, in the next Jurassic Park movie?

*So, remember the scene in JP3 when Alan and...that guy...are looking at the spinosaur tracks, and Alan asks what kind of dinosaur it is? And the guy says Suchomimus, but Alan says "think bigger." And his idiot grad student says Baryonyx, a spinosaur that's actually smaller. I laughed so hard in the theater, but I was the only person laughing. My friends gave me a wierd look, and then again when I explained it afterwards. And now that Suchomimus is probably synonymous with Baryonyx, a whole new level of hilarity is added to that exchange.

**The Pteranodons in JP3 must have been reproducing with bats, because the Pteranodon in the final scene in The Lost World is great and completely accurate (although landing on a branch seems like a stretch). Anyway, JP3 gave us inherently evil pterosaurs...with teeth. Ironically, Pteranodon means "winged and toothless," so that's ONE strike against the film's portrayal. They also weren't flying like bats or carrying kids that were likely just as heavy, if not heavier, than they are off to their nests. And how was this Pteranodon flock living before those moronic humans stumbled into their enclosure? They're caged in, for pete's sake, so where is their food coming from? Also, the Pteranodon sequence has the film's stupidest scene: After an adult pterosaur is seen trying to carry off Grant's grad student, a pterosaur in the foreground turns its head and looks straight at the camera (and the remaining people) as if to say "You're next." Awful, awful film.