He's Also Full of Turtle Meat

Since Godzilla vs. Gamera will never be made (seriously, Toho shot that idea down years ago), fans of daikaiju cinema will have to make due with the piecemeal bones thrown to fans every five years or so. Godzilla's in retirement until his 60th anniversary, but I'm happy to report that Gamera the Brave has finally made it to our shores. It is the first (and perhaps only) Millenium entry in the Gamera franchise. It's going to be tough to upstage the "Guardian of the Universe" trilogy (which is awesome), but I'm going to run right out and buy this...or order it online...whichever way gets me it quicker.

The King of the Monsters

Something I found while leafing through old drawings. I drew this ten years ago. This is clearly the Heisei Godzilla, and is heavily influenced by Arthur Adams' art from the Dark Horse books and the Godzilla Compendium. I've since moved on to the Millenium design, which is my favorite.

Godzilla: Worst Five Monsters

#1. Gabara

Without a doubt the worst monster off all time (not just Godzilla movies) is Gabara, a cheaply-made ogre-like creature from Godzilla's Revenge, which is worse than the last few Showa-era Gamera films. Gabara can make energy rings come out of his palms, or something. I didn't really pay attention. The whole plot of the film is terrible and is just a vehicle to get kids into movie theaters. Some kid in Japan is getting bullied at school and he imagines himself on Monster Island and Minilla is his friend and Minilla speaks perfect English (or Japanese) and there's a bunch of stock footage from Son of Godzilla (also horrible) and Gabara represents the bully...it's all just so very terrible.

#2. Jet Jaguar

Godzilla vs. Megalon, a late-era Showa entry to the series, has the honor of introducing not just one, but two completely awful monsters into the Godzilla mythos. Jet Jaguar is the one that really really sucks. In the film, in which Godzilla must battle Gigan and...*sigh*...Megalon...a Japanese toy-maker creates Jet Jaguar, an action figure that can, somehow, grow to monsterous proportions. Without Jet Jaguar by his side, Godzilla would surely be defeated by the horrible ring of fire that he and Jet Jaguar are at one point trapped within. No military weapons on Earth can even scratch Godzilla, but a tiny circle of flame? It's his achilles' heel! If Jet Jaguar has any powers (other than being stupid), I've completely forgot them. Oddly, Jet Jaguar's got quite the fanbase in Japan. I can't explain it.

#3. Varan the Unbelievable

What's unbelievable is that this flying squirrel/iguana thing got his own movie (called, predictably, Varan the Unbelievable) before helping Godzilla and Co. help defeat King Ghidorah for the eightieth time in Destroy All Monsters. Varan can glide with his two...you know, membranes. Just like a flying squirrel if, you know, said squirrel weighed 80 tons and was almost 100 feet long.

#4. Megalon
I hate Meglon with a passion matched perhaps only by my hatred of Nazis or possibly Neocons. Megalon's costume is actually not as nice as this picture. I get the feeling this is a sculpture of his likeness. Onscreen, the Megalon costume looks like a pair of pants with paper mache fins or "armor" attached to it. The helmet seems to have been made out of a trash can. Megalon can fly at speeds of Mach 3 (I guess), can shoot a lightning beam from his horn, and can burrow through the Earth by clasping his hands together, whereupon the silver sections act in concert like...you guessed it...a drill. Megalon is not an alien but the guardian of Seatopia, an undersea city that has become angry with the ground-dweller's polluting the oceans. So they send Megalon to deal with mankind. Megalon sucks, and so does Godzilla vs. Megalon, which also, incidentaly, features Jet Jaguar.

#5. Minilla (in all his forms)
Some people refer to Minilla as "Godzuki." This is actually an error made by the stupid Godzilla cartoon of the 1980's. The "baby Godzilla's" real name is Minilla (or Minya) and he is a bastardization of the King of the Monsters I so love. From his original incarnation in Son of Godzilla to his revision in Godzilla vs. Spacegodzilla to his horribly anthropomorphic turn in Final Wars, Minilla is always there to throw some suck into an otherwise good kaiju film. While the Showa series was awful in its own right, the Spacegodzilla version of Minilla (there called "Little Godzilla") looked like one of the Bubble Bobble dinosaurs, with a head as large as his papa's, and eyes that were actually larger. This is bizarre, because Baby Godzilla, from Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II actually looks like what a baby Godzilla would look like, and Godzilla Jr., from Godzilla vs. Destroyah, looks like an immature Godzilla. But the Spacegodzilla version doesn't match up, instead just looking stupid. Minilla is a pox upon the series that refuses to go away. I hate him so much.

Honorable Mention: King Ghidorah
Supposedly the supreme villain of the Godzilla movies (and the most popular), I actually can't stand Ghidorah. He's got a boring, never changing design (fat body, three Chinese dragon heads, broad wings) and is overused. He was in Godzilla vs. Monster Zero, Godzilla vs. the Astro-Monster, Destroy All Monsters, Godzilla vs. Gigan, Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah, Giant Monsters All-Out Attack, and Final Wars. He's always spitting lightning bolts (sorry, "gravity beams") and chuckling to himself. The Heisei series saw some improvement with Mecha King Ghidorah, but even that seemed kitchy. King Ghidorah has the potential to be pretty bad-ass (Rebirth of Mothra features a much cooler "Death Ghidorah") but overall, King Ghidorah kind of sucks.

Godzilla Top 5 Monsters

If you've been reading this blog since its original incarnation (see newly refurbished Links to the right--thanks, Will!), you'll know that I'm a huge Godzilla fanboy. I grew up with Big G, and one of my all-time favorite movies is, without a doubt, Godzilla 1985 (release it on DVD already, Tristar! WTF?). Anyway, throughout the course of kaiju history, Godzilla has faced many foes and has had some strange allies. I give you now my Top Five Favorite Godzilla Monsters. Perhaps next you'll see the Top Five Worst Godzilla Monsters, followed by a Gamera outing. I also love Gamera. Anyway, onward and upward!

#1. Godzilla
And really, who didn't see this one coming? Godzilla is a gigantic dinosaur with huge, nasty-looking dorsal spines; and long, sinuous tail; and an incredibly powerful heat ray. He's the freaking King of the Monsters! However, in my mind, there's a definate heirarchy among the various Godzilla designs over the years. The best look is from most of the Millenium films (2000, Megaguiras, Mechagodzilla 3, Tokyo S.O.S.). This Godzilla just looks mean and classically dinosaurian. Toho did away with the oddly mammalian nostrils and the triple-row of symmetrical dorsal spines and instead gave us a toothy-grinned, wild-spined Godzilla that's modern, yet evocative of the 1954 design. The next-best design is definately the one shared by the entire Heisei series (except for 1985). With its beady eyes and bulky look, the Heisei Godzilla gave a real sense of power and strength, and indeed, he wasn't afraid to throw his weight around just as much as his heat ray. After these two designs, things sort of go downhill quickly. In order, from next-best to worst, are: Final Wars, Giants Monsters All-Out Attack, early-era Showa films, and late-era Showa films. And the absolute worst design ever? Godzilla vs. King Kong gave us an amphibian-esque Godzilla with lazy eyes, a frog face, and cheese, cheese, cheese!

#2. Anguiras
His name is usually mispelled as "Angilas," and if you saw Godzilla Raids Again, he didn't even get a name. However, Anguiras is, perhaps, Godzilla's only real ally. Although it's true that Big G roasted the big nodosaur in Raids Again, Anguiras has proved himself quite the monster-fighter since them. Without his noble efforts, Earth may have fallen victim to King Ghidorah in Destroy All Monsters or Gigan and...King Ghidorah...in Godzilla vs. Gigan. However, at the beginning of Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla, Anguiras is supposedly betrayed by his saurian compatriot when Mechagodzilla, disguised in a Godzilla costume (oy vey) rips out poor Anguiras' tongue! Ouch! And then there was a twenty-year absence until Final Wars, when a very modern-looking Anguiras showed up for all of three minutes and was one of the only monsters not killed by Godzilla (along with Rodan and King Caesar). Anguiras doesn't have any special breath weapons, but he's got brute strength, a lot of heart, and Rollout, which is now a Pokemon attack.

#3. Biollante
Technically the second fim in the Heisei series, Godzilla vs. Biollante besowed upon us one of Godzilla's most fearsome--and gigantic--opponents. Biollante is the result of cross-breeding a rose with Godzilla's DNA. The enormous monster begins life as an enormous rose that rises from a lake. After Godzilla sets fire to the big plant, it mutates (or something) and becomes Biollante. It's nuclear core powers a fearsome crocodilian maw and dozens of toothy tendrills. In addition to all the sharp dentition, Biollante can spew forth an acidic spray which burns and blinds Godzilla. Still, being a Grass-type, Biollante is still no match for Godzilla's Fire-type attacks (Enough with the Pokemon references! -Ed.), and upon the destruction of its core, Biollante disipates into spores which escape into the stratosphere, only to reappear several years later in the form of Space Godzilla (who is not on this list). While not really a match for Big G, Biollante is perhaps my favorite creature design from the entire Godzilla lineage.

#4. Gigan
This bizarre creation is a cybornetic alien entity originally built by ape-like aliens (actually cockroaches) from Nebula M Spacehunter! Aside from its insectoid face, Gigan is quite the biped, with two menacing sythes for hands, three (count 'em--three) wings, and a nasty buzzsaw on its belly. The monster is much more organic-looking in its original two fim appearances (Godzilla vs. Gigan and Godzilla vs. Megalon), but was altered greatly for Godzilla: Final Wars. Now a fully-robotic kaiju, the Final Wars version sported a shotgun-like eye laser, but was still no match for Godzilla and, embarrasingly, Mothra. Interestingly, Gigan was the first opponent to make Godzilla bleed (in Godzilla vs. Gigan), when Big G was slashed by Gigan's scythes and buzzsaw belly. Gigan's is among the best creature designs of the Godzilla series, and his "kill first, ask questions later" attitude in all three of his films give him a real personality, too.

#5. Kiryu
Mechagodzilla has gone through some significant changes--almost as many as his organic counterpart. The Showa series Mechagodzilla is hard to watch now, looking more like a kid's home-made Halloween costume than a menacing monster. The Heisei series Mechagodzilla fared much better, however, with a sleeker design and the ability to actually kill the King of the Monsters (and he would have, too, if not for those meddling kids--I mean, Rodan). However, Kiryu, from Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla takes the cake. As I mentioned to my friend Brian just last Friday, Kiryu looks like a Zoid toy, but an uber-awesome one. Aside from the usual array of missiles and lasers, Kiryu has an "Absolute Zero" ice ray, which, in theory, can freeze anything, including Godzilla (that's the plan, anyway). What makes Kiryu so damn awesome, though, is that it's built around the skeleton of the original Godzilla from 1954. In fact, during its intial scuffle with Godzilla, Kiryu refuses to obliterate its living cousin and instead goes on a rampage of its own. Too freakin' cool! Kiryu was heavily damaged by Godzilla at the end of the film, but returned in Tokyo S.O.S. and faced not just Godzilla but also Mothra. Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla and Tokyo S.O.S. are my favorite two Millenium films just because Kiryu is so awesome.

Honorable Mention: Orga
Godzilla 2000, the first Millenium-era Godzilla film, introduced Orga, an alien life-form interested solely in sucking the DNA out of the King of the Monsters. Originally protected by a large bicyle seat-shaped spaceship, Orga showed off an impressive energy beam but was ultimately shot down by Godzilla. Upon emerging from its ship, Orga was shown to be a squid-like creature which sucked out some of Godzilla's Regenerator G-1 genes and began taking on the form (sort of) of Godzilla himself. Every time Godzilla damaged Orga, however, the big alien beastie merely regenerated just as quickly and, in fact, continued to mutate. Eventually, Orga attempted to swallow Godzilla whole (thus absorbing all of Regenerator G-1), but was blown apart from the inside when Godzilla activated his "nuclear pulse"--perhaps his most devestating energy attack. The Orga fight also has the honor of being one of the longest single battles in all of Godzilla film history, taking up the entire 3rd act of Godzilla 2000. Despite his awkward appearance, I like Orga's character design, but his lack of personality hurts him, thus removing him from the Top 5 proper.